TALKING POINT: So who would want to be the Sharks coach?

So, imagine the Hollywoodbets Sharks bosses listened to the social media vultures and sacked their coach. Imagine that you are a top rugby coach and you get phoned today by the Hollywoodbets Sharks CEO and sounded out about your availability for the head coaching role at the Durban union, and how the conversation might go.

It you know your oats, and want to do due diligence over what you are signing up for, the conversation might go like this:

Sharks CEO: We have earmarked you as the perfect candidate to take over the Sharks head coaching role. Would you be interested?

You: Okay, that’s great. It would be an honour. I’ve always wanted a challenge like this. So when would I start?

Sharks CEO: The current coach will coach the team for this Saturday’s game against the Scarlets, and then you will take over as soon as possible after that.

You: And when is the next game?

Sharks CEO: The next game is at the end of November, against Connacht in Galway.

You: Oh cool, so there’s over a month before the next game. That can work, I will have a month to work with my players and introduce them to my ideas, start to establish a playing pattern and work on things like attacking shape.

Sharks CEO: Yes, but remember that a lot of the players will be away with the Springboks in that month, basically the core of the team. So you won’t be working with them until after their tour.

You: But the end of November is outside of the international window, so at least I will have the Boks back for that Connacht game?

Sharks CEO: No, unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case as this is South Africa and we don’t pay too much attention to World Rugby’s Regulation 9. The Boks will be playing against Wales that weekend so none of the Boks will be available and even if they were, they would just have come off a tough five-week tour and their appetite for staying another week to play a URC game would be questionable.

You: Okay, so I suppose we could go into that Connacht game with the rank-and-file players who aren’t Boks, and then get the big guns back the next week. Who are the Sharks playing that next week? A week would be a short time for preparation, and I hear you about them being tired after a long tour, but maybe we can work something out.

Sharks CEO: The next game is an Investec Champions Cup game against Toulouse. In Toulouse.

You: What, are you being serious?

Sharks CEO: Yes.

You: Okay, playing Toulouse in Toulouse is a huge challenge, so I must have all hands on deck. Meaning the top Boks must play or we’d have no chance of winning. I know it’s a week after the end of their Bok tour, and they will be fatigued, but would we be able to prevail on them to play in that game?

Sharks CEO: We could do that, but it might compromise our chances of winning our home Champions Cup game against Saracens the following week. Even with all our Boks beating Toulouse in Toulouse would be a major upset. So Saracens is the game we have to win. We play Toulouse on Sunday, 7 December, whereas Saracens play earlier in the weekend. If we play on Sunday, we will only be back in Durban on Tuesday or Wednesday. Saracens would actually be in Durban a day or two before we would be. We would be seriously compromised so the logistical challenge will dictate that we play that first game in the Champions Cup under-strength.

You: So we will be up against Toulouse in Toulouse with an under-strength team? We will be well beaten, and in just my second game in charge, following a tough game away against Connacht. Connacht are good this year so there’s a good chance I’d be none from two at the start of my Sharks coaching career. I suppose the public and media will understand the Toulouse game was played under-strength and cut me some slack?

Sharks CEO: Perhaps, but from past experience you will not only get criticised by the local media and public, you will also be taken on by the overseas media who will accuse you of disrespecting the Champions Cup. When the Sharks play, regardless of who you select, the supporters see that team as the Sharks. We can't publicly denigrate any competition we play in by admitting we are not going all out to win each game, even if it is obvious to anyone who knows their rugby that is not the case, and you will be obliged to speak a lot of nonsense to the media in the buildup. In the recent Currie Cup we went in with a developing team but after a 64-0 loss to the Bulls that wasn’t the perspective that held in the outcry from our support base.

You: Hoo boy, it sounds like a tough gig and I will have to have the hide of a rhino to live with the flak. So there must be some light at the end of the tunnel after that. After those tough games and after the massive logistical challenge implicit in the buildup to what will also be a really difficult home game against a good Saracens team, I suppose it will get easier from there?

Sharks CEO: Oh…hum, well, it depends how you look at it. The next game, seven days after the one against Saracens, is a URC derby against the Bulls. That will be a must win game for us. Then comes the festive season derbies, and no South African player really wants to play in those games…

You: Okay boet, I have heard enough. I have a few overseas clubs my agent is talking to, and the top schools in this country pay enough money to coaches for them to live a comfortable life without the stress and public scrutiny that the job you are offering me would involve. What you are actually asking me to do is impossible. Good luck with finding your coach.